Chapter 1: The Awkwardness of Pride

It’s a little ironic, isn’t it? As someone who frequently encourages women to take pride in their achievements, I find myself grappling with this very concept.

If you've been following my journey, you might have noticed that I often share updates on my milestones each year. This has become a tradition for me, especially as my birthday in January prompts reflections and goal-setting.

Now that I've turned 29, I can’t help but wonder if I’m officially in my late twenties. After the celebrations of New Year’s Eve ushered in 2024, I revisited my past accomplishments and felt an unexpected wave of disappointment. Was I really that boastful?

Reading through my reflections, a strange realization dawned on me. Despite all the proclamations of success, I didn’t feel any genuine satisfaction at the moment of writing, nor did I even feel it back then.

So, if these personal stories weren’t rooted in true pride, what were they about? I had to confront the uncomfortable truth: I’ve been treating my achievements more like accessories than authentic reflections of my self-worth. They were more about proving something to the world than celebrating my journey.

Writing became a means to “fit in,” to demonstrate that I could hustle with the best of them, even though that’s never been my true self. I recall moments of fleeting self-esteem while drafting, but ultimately I was left with a nagging voice asking, “What’s next?”

My sense of self-worth was entangled with production metrics, remnants of past micromanagement experiences. Even as I write this, my mind drifts to the number of articles I published on Medium in 2023—nineteen. While that’s more than I anticipated, it still felt insufficient for a congratulatory pat on the back.

Growing up, and especially after my ADHD diagnosis, I’ve carried a heavy burden of guilt for my challenges. This guilt intensified following several traumatic experiences over the last decade. When grappling with executive dysfunction stemming from PTSD, everything feels insurmountable. Perhaps I’ve been subconsciously attempting to prove my capability to the world and myself.

Pride shouldn’t be a façade for potential readers to garner the validation my inner child craves. It’s time to make sense of this. Accepting compliments has always been awkward; I often look down or away when praised. After a bashful thank you, I pivot the conversation, as if I have something to conceal.

As someone dedicated to empowering others through self-belief, I can’t help but feel somewhat disingenuous.

To normalize joy, I must acknowledge my accomplishments for their intrinsic value. Not just the metrics that society deems noteworthy, but everything I deserve recognition for.

Now is the moment to celebrate. This year-end reflection will be different. I’ll share my journey of healing post-trauma, fully embracing the non-linear path it has taken.

This is for those who shy away from accepting compliments. This is for me.

From this point on, when I express pride, I will truly mean it.

In the past four years, I made a significant move from New Hampshire to Northern Colorado. While the pandemic-induced layoff played a part, the primary motivation was to be closer to my sister as we navigated the challenging process of a lawsuit from our past.

During that tumultuous time, I invested months searching for lawyers willing to assist us—two women with a combined budget of $0. I put in relentless effort to build my case, unearthing painful memories to gather evidence and arming myself with knowledge about the complex civil system.

Although I never had the chance to present my findings in court, my sister and I managed to close that chapter, shielding several vulnerable parties from further involvement. While we had limited control over the outcome, every action was a step toward survival, and I’ll always view that as a significant accomplishment.

In the midst of this, I completed the OVC Victim Advocacy Training to enhance my ability to assist victims of sexual violence. This experience helped me discover my deeper purpose—merging my knowledge with creativity. Art has always been a source of healing for me, and now it was my turn to contribute to the well from which others often draw.

On March 20, 2021, I published my first formal article, "Identifying a Gaslighter," on my WordPress blog, Eternal Metamorphosis. This was the first time I publicly shared my work under my real name, moving beyond the confines of social media.

A few months later, I mustered the courage to apply as a writer for a beloved Medium publication, Fearless She Wrote. This was a huge leap for me, as I had previously hesitated to seek feedback or recognition for my writing. I didn't believe I was "good enough."

On May 28, 2021, my first editorial piece was published. That moment of validation felt incredible.

Since then, my writing has been featured in eleven different Medium publications, with over 100 articles to my name—mostly longform, but some poetry as well. By the end of 2021, I submitted my resume to a non-profit organization focused on supporting victims of sexual violence, Say It Loud. I was hired as a blogger and have since forged meaningful connections within this community, recently earning a promotion to Head Blogger.

The year 2023 was filled with experimentation; I threw numerous ideas against the wall, with only a few sticking. Although my writing output fluctuated, I developed my personal Instagram and launched a brief poetry account. Thus far, I’ve created and edited 61 Instagram reels that garnered over 47K views.

I explored TikTok, albeit a bit late to the game, where I’ve produced 114 videos, amassing over 550K views. In 2023, I was also interviewed for visual and audio media three times. I appeared on Jillian Hamilton's podcast, "Cheating: When Love Lies," to discuss my article, "How Being Both The Ghoster and The Ghost-ee Saved My Life."

I joined Meredith Graham on her podcast, "Honest Hour," to discuss dating with anxious attachment. Towards the end of 2023, I reunited with an old high school friend, Carissa Deshaies, to talk about healing and mental health on her new podcast, "Faith Over Fear."

Despite the busy years, I was technically unemployed. Freelance writing and content creation didn’t cover my bills, and it took time to secure a traditional job post-lawsuit and relocation. While my current remote position may distract from my passions, it allows me to pay down debts and save for medical treatments.

My output has slowed as work consumes my time and energy, yet I managed to draft the first version of my poetry anthology. During National Novel Writing Month 2023, I began drafting another manuscript.

In the last four years, I've traveled to eight different states in the U.S., taken up painting, and maintained a beautiful apartment with my partner. My cooking skills have improved drastically, and I now prepare nearly all of my meals at home.

I eat fruits and vegetables daily and stay active at least three times a week (well, most weeks). I write and read something every day, constantly nurturing my curiosity and love for exploration. I’ve learned to stop blaming myself for things outside my control and have grown more comfortable with the idea that doing my best is sufficient.

Success can be defined in countless ways, and I’ve finally recognized that my journey aligns with my criteria.

While writing this, I feel a twinge of discomfort as I reflect on my accomplishments and imagine how they might be perceived. However, the more I review them, the more they inspire me. Recognizing my progress serves as a vital motivator to continue pushing forward.

I hope my journey encourages others to reflect on their own growth and achievements, no matter how small. Everyone faces obstacles—don’t even get me started on the current societal climate; that’s another essay waiting to be written!

You’re likely doing better than you realize! These accomplishments might not reflect my most ambitious aspirations, but I’m still in my twenties, with plenty left to explore. What does the future hold for me, and how much more will I have to be proud of? This list can only grow.

Through this reflection, I've learned to appreciate the vibrant beauty of my present self.

While I often advocate against hustle culture, I’ve found myself critiquing my progress based on societal standards that are often ableist and unfair. My achievements won’t resolve my internal struggles, especially if I neglect to celebrate them before diving back into the grind. What’s the point if I disregard my own needs in the process?

In 2024, I aim to prioritize tranquility, balance, and health—something I vowed to do last year but fell short of. These elements shouldn’t be viewed as luxuries to indulge in after achieving enough. I realize I won’t reach my full potential as a writer until I prioritize these aspects.

So, here’s to a new year—a year dedicated to crafting a life worth living each day. Moving forward, I intend to pause and revel in this unfamiliar sense of pride until it becomes a natural part of who I am.

Will you join me? Readers, take a moment to create your own list of the beautiful ways you’ve grown over the past few years. Not just the metrics of production, although you might take pride in those as well. Include anything that required effort and focus.

Perhaps you organized your closet. Maybe you completed your associate's degree. Maybe you climbed a mountain or finally scheduled that overdue doctor’s appointment. Maybe you told someone you love them.

Share it with an audience of one: yourself. Read it and reread it. Display it on your wall or mirror, and revisit it daily. Perhaps even publish it on Medium to spread the pride.

Grab some gel pens and markers, and continue to add to your list as time goes on. Watch it grow, and allow yourself to bask in the joy of your achievements.

You are likely accomplishing far more than you give yourself credit for.

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