Fierce Compassion: Recognizing Men’s Unseen Acts of Kindness
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Chapter 1: Understanding Compassion Beyond Gender
In my previous understanding, I believed the lack of compassion among men was one of the major issues plaguing society. However, I later realized that this viewpoint lacked empathy itself. Through research and personal observation, I discovered that men are indeed compassionate, though their acts often go unrecognized.
The root of this misunderstanding lies in our limited definition of compassion. Emma Seppala, the Associate Director of the Center for Compassion and Altruism Research and Education at Stanford University, argues that “We might perceive women as being more compassionate than men because we define compassion predominantly in terms associated with femininity—nurturing, kindness, gentleness, and emotional warmth.”
Reflecting on my experiences, I can recall numerous instances where men displayed compassion in ways that were neither soft nor gentle. For example, after a surfboard accident left me injured, a friend carried me over two miles to medical assistance.
If we broaden our perspective to include "fierce compassion," we might recognize more male acts of kindness. This form of compassion often entails self-sacrifice, reminiscent of altruism shown by soldiers in combat. Men who embody this fierce compassion typically do not seek recognition or accolades.
Consider the men who followed Mahatma Gandhi during the Dharasana Salt Works protest. They endured violence without retaliation to uphold the principle of non-violent resistance. Similarly, gay men in the military and professional sports, despite facing severe mistreatment, continue to perform remarkable acts for our safety and enjoyment.
Fierce compassion can also manifest in teenage boys who endure relentless bullying yet choose not to fight back. Many of these youths face depression, isolation, and suicidal thoughts without any support from parents or schools. Their daily perseverance speaks volumes about human resilience.
Stay-at-home fathers exhibit bravery in nurturing, caring, and disciplining their children while facing societal prejudice. These men often go unacknowledged and sometimes even criticized, including by their own partners. I have seen these dads at parks, quietly watching their children while groups of mothers socialize nearby, excluding them from their circles (and I have been that dad).
Among contemporary figures, George Takei, famously known as Mr. Sulu from Star Trek, stands out. In 2005, he risked his career by coming out as gay to protest California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger's veto of same-sex marriage legislation. Takei’s most impactful acts of fierce compassion shine through during his role as an announcer on the Howard Stern show, where he has garnered widespread positive feedback.
A striking example of fierce compassion can be found in the Dalai Lama’s recounting of a Tibetan monk who endured 20 years of torture and isolation in a Chinese prison. When asked if he ever feared for his life, the monk responded that he was only afraid of losing compassion for his captors. This monk would prefer death over losing his capacity for compassion. Though we may never know his name or honor him as we do figures like Mother Teresa, his example embodies a vital form of compassion that deserves acknowledgment.
I encourage you to recognize this fierce compassion in the men around you. Express your appreciation for their sacrifices, courage, and strength when you witness these acts. The more we acknowledge such compassion, the more it will flourish.
The first video, "Fierce Self Compassion," explores how embracing self-compassion can empower men to confront their struggles and enhance their emotional well-being.
The second video, "Ultimate Courage: Men and Self-Compassion," delves into the importance of self-compassion for men and how it can transform their lives, enabling them to face societal expectations with strength.