Horses Ignite Civil Unrest Due to Ivermectin Scarcity
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The Rise of Equestrian Protest
It appears that the desire for conflict over commodity shortages isn't limited to humans. Horses, too, have become embroiled in a struggle, particularly in rural areas dominated by Republican ideologies. Reports indicate that these animals have initiated aggressive actions in several small towns, prompting cries for help from local residents who feel overwhelmed by the sheer size and strength of these creatures.
One distressed MAGA supporter lamented, "We're being trampled by an overwhelming number of horses! We attempted to fend them off, but our efforts were futile. They are incredibly swift despite their massive size, leaving us utterly helpless!"
Amid this chaos, it raised an eyebrow as to why these individuals were facing such challenges against a herd of horses. After all, humans have historically developed firearms to defend against larger animals. A MAGA representative, Aarongelica Rodgers, explained, “Our intent was never to use guns for protection against horses. We wanted them to intimidate others, not for defending ourselves!”
The Dilemma of Gun Safety
When asked why they fought so hard for gun rights yet hesitated to use them when necessary, Rodgers responded, “We can’t just leave guns lying around! What if our kids get hold of them? We keep them stored out of reach for safety, but we also want to send a message to our neighbors that we’re armed. People are clever enough to heed our warnings and stay away from us."
"Horses, however, don’t care! Yes, one bullet could take one down, but who considers how long it takes to load a weapon? By the time we’re ready, we might have already lost loved ones to these stampeding animals!" Rodgers, visibly frustrated, exclaimed, “If only we could have guns more accessible! It’s the NRA’s fault for not promoting safer firearms!”
This comedic take on the situation made us wonder why it took an uprising of horses for these individuals to realize the limitations of their firearms. As we shifted focus, we inquired about the possibility of negotiating peace with the horses. Rodgers snapped back, “You think we can just converse with them? They only respond with NEIGH! We can’t reason with a bunch of neigh-sayers!”
Attempts at Diplomacy
We took this communication breakdown to Congress, where discussions about a potential treaty with the horses were underway. Alabama Republican Senator Tommy Tuberville remarked, “Humans are ill-prepared for a War for the Planet of the Horses. We must resolve this conflict swiftly and understand what’s driving this uprising.” To facilitate communication, Tuberville enlisted horse rights advocate and translator Sarah Jessica Parker.
After two days of deliberation, Parker returned with insights into the horses’ grievances. "Horses have long been exploited by humans for various purposes, from racing to transportation. In exchange, they receive inadequate living conditions and little care. The final straw was the recent shortage of ivermectin, a drug vital for their health."
The Need for Ivermectin
Horses, often exposed to parasites in the wild, rely on ivermectin for survival. However, some anti-vaccine advocates have misguidedly promoted this livestock medication as a treatment for COVID-19, leading to a surge in demand. Parker continued, “It’s baffling that some individuals think COVID is caused by worms. Moreover, they risk their health by overdosing on a drug meant for animals, as proven by numerous hospitalizations."
The FDA has cautioned against using ivermectin intended for livestock to treat COVID-19, emphasizing that humans are not animals. Despite this, rural communities and celebrities like Joe Rogan have hoarded the drug, opting to pay exorbitant prices rather than receive a safe vaccine for free. This spike in demand led to Martin Shkreli acquiring manufacturing rights and inflating the price from $50 to $5,000.
Consequences of Exploitation
This greed has significantly impacted rural residents struggling to afford ivermectin, leaving many horses without necessary treatment. As a result, horses banded together to demand better conditions and rights. Parker presented a list of demands from the equine leader, Bojack Horseman.
"Horses will not passively accept this injustice. Here’s what we require to cease our protests: Return our ivermectin; lower its prices; improve our working conditions; ensure fair contracts to prevent overwork; stop the negative associations with our species; and cease comparisons to Ann Coulter. We refuse to be linked to such a despicable figure."
With the demands laid out, Parker set off for the DC Waterfront, where we later spotted her embracing a white stallion, who transformed into Matthew Broderick. In a theatrical gesture, he called for the ocean to reclaim them both.
Disclaimer: All characters and events in this article, even those based on real people and events, are entirely fictional. This piece is written as satire and for comedic purposes.
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