Understanding the Dilemma

Feeling attracted to someone outside of your committed relationship can be confusing and guilt-inducing.

Photo credit: iStock

By Harris O’Malley

Dear Dr. NerdLove,

I’m in a loving relationship and we're planning to move in together soon. This prospect excites me, but I'm also feeling apprehensive, as I have always had some anxiety about commitment. However, my feelings shifted when "James" (not his actual name) entered my life.

I met James at work a few months back, and we clicked instantly. He's intelligent, good-looking, and talented, which made it easy for us to become friends. Unfortunately, I developed a significant crush on him. I tried to push these feelings aside, but they resurfaced in dreams that left me feeling guilty next to my partner, whom I adore.

Despite my feelings, I enjoy my time with James, and we often meet for coffee or collaborate on projects. I'm aware I need to establish clear boundaries to prevent this from escalating, especially since I suspect James might share similar feelings. I'm torn between telling him about my crush to clarify my boundaries and deciding if I should inform my partner, which could complicate our plans to live together. I've consulted friends, and while they suggest honesty, I’ve encountered opinions online advocating for keeping my feelings hidden.

A part of me is curious about James's feelings and wants to share mine to potentially deepen our understanding, but that feels like an unwise reason to express such emotions, particularly when it could jeopardize our friendship.

Sincerely,

Conflicted

Advice on Managing Your Feelings

Dear Conflicted,

First and foremost, if you don’t plan to act on your crush, discussing it with James isn’t advisable. Revealing your feelings could complicate matters and may lead to unnecessary emotional turmoil for you both.

Similarly, consider whether your partner needs to know about your crush. Unless they have openly expressed comfort with such situations, revealing this information could cause tension and stress. Relationships thrive on trust, and your partner deserves to feel secure without unnecessary anxiety about fleeting attractions.

Now, regarding your crush: it's natural to find others attractive. This doesn’t imply a lack of love for your partner or signify issues within your relationship. Attraction is simply a human experience, nothing more.

As for those intimate dreams, they are a reflection of your biological impulses. Humans naturally seek novelty, which can lead to finding new acquaintances appealing, regardless of existing commitments. This doesn’t signify a problem with your relationship; it’s merely a part of being human.

What To Do if Your Crush is in a Relationship (The Waiting Game)

This video discusses how to navigate feelings for someone while in a relationship, offering insights on handling the situation with care.

To manage your crush, acknowledge your feelings without acting on them. When you experience attraction, simply recognize it as part of your emotional landscape and redirect your focus. However, it’s crucial to avoid putting yourself in situations where temptation might lead to regret. Limiting your interactions with James can help you maintain the boundaries necessary to protect your relationship.

Redirecting your energy towards your partner can also help. Long-term relationships can benefit from new experiences, so consider introducing fresh elements into your connection. Engaging in new activities together can reignite excitement and strengthen your bond.

Moreover, if you find yourself indulging in fantasies while with your partner, that’s a personal choice. It doesn't constitute betrayal; it's merely a part of your private experience.

Lastly, think of crushes like campfires: if you feed them, they grow. If you withdraw your attention, they will eventually extinguish. By treating James like any other coworker and not actively seeking out interactions with him, your crush will fade, allowing you to focus on nurturing your relationship with your partner.

Good luck!

Exploring Summer Social Opportunities

Hola Doc! I was The Last American Virgin from way back in 2022, and I’m back with an update. Here's how my year has unfolded:

After your kind and insightful advice, I made some necessary changes. I focused on enhancing my social skills and building friendships, while putting dating on the back burner. I’ve developed decent people skills, though I’m still grappling with shyness. I joined several clubs and am becoming more at ease in group settings. While I’ve made friends, many haven’t lasted due to my fearful attachment style, which I’m now addressing. I also consulted a doctor who confirmed I have mild social anxiety.

Now, with summer approaching and school clubs wrapping up, I feel overwhelmed by the prospect of making new friends, compounded by anxiety and apathy since I won’t see my school acquaintances anymore. I’m keen to build a social life outside of school during the summer, but I also feel guilty about investing time in hobbies instead of social interactions. I want to balance both but find myself doing neither.

What should I do? Am I justified in my worries?

Working Things Out

Thanks for reaching out and sharing your journey, WTO! It's wonderful to hear about your progress; be proud of the strides you've made.

The good news is that attachment styles can evolve. Changing yours may require effort and possibly therapy, as addressing the root causes can lead to healthier relationships. As you become more aware of your triggers, this process will help alleviate anxiety about making new friends.

Given your age and high school environment, accessing therapy may be limited. However, consider exploring cognitive behavioral therapy exercises available online, which can offer valuable tools for managing anxiety.

As for balancing personal interests and social opportunities, remember: becoming a well-rounded individual is essential. Engaging in hobbies not only enriches your life but also prepares you for social interactions.

Think of it like sports training; recovery and rest are crucial for peak performance. Engaging in activities you love allows you to recharge and enhances your social stamina.

Thus, embrace the idea of balancing both pursuits. Summer is a perfect time to indulge in your interests and recharge before the school year resumes. Prioritizing your overall well-being is key; neglecting any aspect of yourself can hinder your growth in other areas.

So, allow yourself the freedom to enjoy your hobbies. This will ultimately enable you to engage more fully in social situations when the opportunity arises.

Good luck!