Chapter 1: The Misconceptions of ADHD

For many years, I believed that ADHD was merely a condition affecting restless boys in classrooms, those who couldn’t stay seated or who would blurt out answers impulsively. It seemed obvious to identify a child with ADHD, but the notion that someone who appeared attentive could also have this disorder was unfathomable. If one possessed self-control, they surely couldn't have ADHD.

However, self-control can manifest in various ways. Despite being diligent and well-behaved, I often found myself grappling with intense emotions, experiencing bouts of anger and sadness. I frequently felt frustrated with the world and, at times, even with myself.

Although I performed well academically, I despised school, often perceiving my peers as immature and many of the teachers as ill-equipped. To those around me, I might have seemed like an amiable and approachable boy, but there were times when I was anything but.

As I transitioned into adulthood, a deficiency in self-regulation revealed itself through impulsive spending and reckless choices. Engaging in risky activities without necessity indicated a tendency towards self-destructive behavior. I often found myself in questionable places with questionable company, waking up disoriented on unfamiliar couches or in the corners of late-night venues.

I missed numerous flights due to poor organization in my twenties. Even as I grew older, I struggled to remember simple tasks like bringing groceries home or recalling why I had gone to the store. I frequently misidentified the location of my parked car, sometimes spending as much time searching for it as I had spent traveling to my destination.

At work, I lost track of time, causing me to end classes either too early or too late. This wasn’t a rare occurrence; it happened repeatedly. Before receiving my ADHD diagnosis at the age of forty-two, I believed I was simply a failure—absent-minded, restless, anxious, disorganized, and unmotivated.

"Rather, I believe it is a fundamental deficiency in self-regulation generally and executive functioning specifically — the ability to look toward the future and to control one's behavior based on that foresight."

― Russell A. Barkley, clinical psychologist

Navigating life felt like an uphill battle. Completing tasks required immense effort, as if I was perpetually letting myself and others down. I never intended to forget important appointments or to zone out during lectures, nor did I mean to be the dampener at social gatherings.

Receiving my diagnosis was unexpected. I hadn’t realized that much of what I disliked about myself was tied to dysregulation of dopamine and norepinephrine. During my younger years, I engaged in excessive recreational drug use, likely exacerbating my dopamine deficiency. As I aged, my childhood symptoms intensified, making it increasingly challenging to manage responsibilities.

The first time I took ADHD medication was a revelation. It was the first moment I felt "normal." I wasn’t hyperactive, but I could finally focus. I stopped dozing off while driving, managed to read books, and remembered appointments. It was akin to experiencing a transformative moment, like the character in Limitless discovering his potential. I began to envision my future clearly and organize my life effectively.

Most people are unaware that when faced with a task of personal significance—whether due to enjoyment or fear of negative consequences—brain chemistry shifts involuntarily. ADHD may seem like a willpower deficiency, but it is more accurately a complex interplay of emotion, memory, and brain chemistry.

― Thomas E. Brown, Smart But Stuck: Emotions in Teens and Adults with ADHD

The recent nationwide shortage of ADHD medications highlighted how drastically different life can be without them. My body would tremble uncontrollably, and my emotional regulation would falter, often triggering symptoms associated with CPTSD and Bipolar Disorder—my personal trifecta.

Taking just one dose of Adderall can alleviate these symptoms within minutes, restoring my ability to function normally.

During the shortage, I was struck by the pharmacist’s empathy; he understood my struggle as his daughter also relied on ADHD medication for stability. His compassion was palpable.

Many people lack insight into the true impact of ADHD, and I can relate—I was once unaware of the disorder's real effects until my diagnosis. Navigating ADHD as a child is challenging enough, but adult life introduces a myriad of responsibilities that can feel overwhelming, making even simple tasks feel insurmountable.

Medication has empowered me to utilize tools like calendars, reminder notes, alarms, and grocery lists effectively. I’ve learned to document where I parked my car in unfamiliar locations and to underline text while reading to maintain focus. Audiobooks and lectures now keep me engaged and alert while driving.

There are days I choose not to take my medication, especially on leisurely days when I don’t experience symptoms. Like many, I hesitated to start medication, but I can confidently say it’s one of the best choices I’ve made.

A significant aspect of the diagnosis process involves forgiving oneself for years of self-loathing and refraining from regretting the delay in treatment. Understanding that I have ADHD has reshaped my self-perception. Receiving treatment, in whatever form it takes, has the potential to change your life.

The first video, "The Magic of Not Giving a F***" by Sarah Knight, delves into embracing one's true self and letting go of societal expectations.

The second video, "I'm not F****** LEAVING" from The Wolf Of Wall Street, encapsulates determination and the refusal to be defeated, even in the face of adversity.