Chapter 1: The Awakening of Self Through Words

During a time when therapy wasn't accessible, writing became my outlet for processing my autism diagnosis, proving to be more beneficial than I ever anticipated.

Writing has always been a passion of mine. I spent years crafting uninspired poetry, feeling I had little of value to share, especially regarding my struggles with chronic depression. However, after undergoing treatment for an eating disorder and later receiving my autism diagnosis, I found a wealth of experiences I was eager to convey.

For nearly five decades, I had concealed my autism, which left me disconnected from my true self. Embracing more of my identity allowed me to express myself through writing. My journey into writing about my autism not only fostered a greater sense of self but also created a cycle of self-discovery and expression.

When I first considered the possibility of being autistic, I had some financial support from my spouse's inheritance, which I used to seek a formal diagnosis. Unfortunately, the funds dwindled quickly due to my spouse’s job loss, leading me to question the necessity of the diagnosis, especially as I am disabled and work only sporadically in low-paying remote jobs.

In this whirlwind of self-discovery, I found myself largely alone, lacking a supportive community of autistic individuals to help me navigate the profound realization of my identity. My life became a torrent of trauma and memories, and I inadvertently overwhelmed my spouse with my need for understanding and guidance.

I attempted to locate a local support group for autistic adults but struggled to find one at that time. One eventually surfaced, but it wasn’t until a year later that I connected with the Autistic Self Advocacy Network for an unrelated issue.

In the months following my 2021 diagnosis, I became fixated on autism, a topic I had previously been passionate about. This obsession took a toll on my relationship, prompting my spouse to express concern over my constant discussions about autism, which he felt were straining our marriage.

Faced with the reality of not being able to afford therapy, I turned to writing as a means of coping. I considered starting a blog, but the platform I previously used had become confusing since my last post a decade ago. My spouse suggested I write on Medium instead. Initially, I was annoyed that he had set up an account for me, but I soon found that writing there became an integral part of my daily routine and might have even saved my marriage.

Writing on Medium provided a therapeutic outlet, allowing me to process the complex emotions tied to my diagnosis and gain insight into how the neurotypical world perceives individuals like me. It helped me confront my trauma and, through the feedback from my followers, connected me to a broader online autistic community beyond TikTok, where I first learned about masked autism.

By sharing my experiences as a late-diagnosed autistic person, I cultivated improved self-esteem and deeper self-love—something that years of therapy had not achieved. This journey has also inspired me to outline a memoir detailing my experiences as an autistic individual and my time in eating disorder treatment.

As I recognize the need for further therapeutic support, I feel hesitant due to past disappointments with therapy. Writing, however, has consistently been a source of solace. Although I’ve known I was a competent writer, my time spent on Medium has sharpened my skills and significantly boosted my confidence.

I never anticipated that others would find value in my writing, yet nearly 4,300 followers seem to have found something worthwhile in my words. I am grateful for their support and for the journey of self-exploration I am undertaking—layer by layer, I am unearthing my true self as an autistic person, with each of you accompanying me along the way.

My spouse remarked that this essay feels like a farewell, but I assure you I'm not going anywhere. I've come to embrace my passion for storytelling and recognize my talent for it.

In the past, storytelling felt burdensome, as if I had an emptiness inside that I couldn’t quite identify. Despite occasionally feeling content, I often sensed an internal void, which was actually a misperception of my autistic identity, yearning for expression.

From birth, I emerged opinionated and introspective, yet I hesitated to share my voice outside my close circle. The trauma of social interactions stifled my self-expression, creating barriers that persisted into adulthood.

In our society, being autistic often means existing in the shadows, but I refuse to remain hidden any longer. I am ready to unfold my vibrant, autistic wings, embracing my identity while illuminating the path for others.

The video "Anna Holtzman & Donna Jenson. Writing to Heal Trauma" showcases how writing can serve as a powerful tool for healing and self-exploration, echoing the sentiments expressed in my journey.