Chapter 1: A Chaotic Flight Begins

“Sweetheart, do you have a barf bag in your seat pocket?” I whispered urgently to my wife, Marisa, who sat across the aisle.

Before having kids, I never thought I would be combining “love” with “barf” in the same sentence. Locking eyes with my beloved, I realized why: “barf” was her least favorite word in any of the three languages she spoke. However, it delighted our four little boys, who were giggling at the notion.

I knew that if I threw in a well-timed “poop,” it would send them into a fit of laughter. But for the sake of my romantic life, I held back. Asking for a barf bag before takeoff, even in a whisper, guarantees a lively reaction.

In fact, in the hierarchy of least favorite phrases, only “he's got a bomb,” “is that your outfit?” and “we're back with another 24 hours of non-stop Jingle Bell Rock” come close.

Within moments, I found myself with three barf bags, graciously provided by nearby passengers eager to assist. I handed them to Sam, my eight-year-old son who suffered from a unique aversion to takeoffs, landings, and everything in between.

As we began our ascent, a cheerful co-captain with a charming English accent informed us that our flight time would be three hours and eighteen minutes, with the weather in Paris a pleasant 18 degrees Celsius.

“18 degrees Celsius?”

Suddenly, I felt lost in a sea of metrics, scrambling to convert the temperature into something familiar. Was it 2.2 times 18 plus 32? Or maybe 1.8 times 32 plus 18? I remembered studying this in high school, but my teenage self had scoffed, dismissing Celsius as irrelevant.

Of the 195 nations in the world, only three have yet to embrace the International System of Units: the United States, Liberia, and Burma. Liberia’s situation stems from its American roots, while Burma likely missed the memo during the metric transition in the mid-20th century. Out of these, America stands as the lone superpower resisting change.

The reason behind America’s continued preference for Fahrenheit is perplexing. While Anders Celsius may not have had a dramatic life story like Daniel Fahrenheit—whose parents died young from poisoning—his temperature scale is straightforward. Water freezes at zero and boils at one hundred degrees Celsius, while Fahrenheit’s scale is more convoluted, leading to confusion.

This reluctance to switch to Celsius showcases a persistent streak of oppositional defiance among Americans when told what to do. While the rest of the developed world was converting to the metric system in the 1960s and 1970s, the U.S. merely suggested the change. In 1975, the U.S. Congress established the United States Metric Board, but without a firm directive, the initiative fizzled out, leading to no changes and the Board's disbandment years later.

If America were resisting change on principle, that would be one thing, but even that isn’t the case. The adherence to Fahrenheit has cost the nation billions, especially evident in a single incident in Fall 1999 when NASA lost a $125 million Mars Climate Orbiter due to a simple conversion mistake. You'd think that such a loss would prompt a switch to metrics, yet here I am, still bewildered by the temperature in Paris.

I can only imagine how those from Liberia or Burma feel as they grapple with the temperature on this flight. I find brief comfort picturing them in the back of the plane, scribbling multiplication tables on their drink napkins.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’ve reached our cruising altitude of 35,000 feet,” the cheerful voice from the cockpit announces. Thankfully, the airline industry, like Liberia, traces its roots back to America.

This mental spiral stops momentarily as I check on Sam, my dear son, the only other passenger in our row. I’m relieved to see that he looks pale but not in full distress. The temperature in Paris is just another item on the growing list of things I don’t know about our new destination.

Two months ago, the thought of shedding all our possessions was exhilarating. In just six weeks, we sold our home, our car, our cat, our turtle, all seven Harry Potter books, and all eight Harry Potter DVDs—essentially everything except our children, a guitar, and enough clothing to last through the winter.

Once we freed ourselves from the clutter, a sense of lightness washed over me. By the time we took off from Salt Lake City, I felt like Peter Pan leading my family “Off to Neverland!”

Yet, I overlooked a crucial detail: unlike Peter, we had no home to return to, no means of transport once we arrived, and no plan to ensure our Lost Boys received a proper education. Even our kids, initially thrilled about the adventure, the free mini pretzels, and the unsupervised entertainment, were beginning to lose their enthusiasm after three long flights.

Now, as I look at their weary faces and bloodshot eyes, I can see their excitement for the unknown has been wrinkled up like dirty laundry in their carry-on bags. I can’t blame them; part of me feels the same. What if we had just stayed in Utah? I had a fulfilling job, loved ones nearby, and a beautiful mountain backdrop.

“Flight crew, prepare for landing,” the British voice announces one last time. Almost immediately, I hear the thud of the Boeing 757's landing gear touching down, followed by the unmistakable sound of a well-digested salmon sandwich and fruit salad being expelled into a paper bag.

In my preoccupation with my own issues, I had neglected to check on Sam. Now, I find myself in an agonizingly slow taxi, clutching a warm bag of vomit.

“Bienvenue en France.” Welcome to France.

“What on earth have I gotten my family into?”

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Here’s my free guide to adopting a traveler's mindset, even while at home.

Chapter 2: The Perils of Family Travel

In this chapter, we explore the challenges and humorous moments that come with family travel, highlighting the unique dynamics of flying with children.

The first video, "The Most Extreme Way to Lose Altitude Fast," showcases the humorous yet alarming moments of air travel and what can happen when things go awry.

The second video, "After Turbulence, She Wakes Up At 35000 FT & Sees All Passengers Disappeared Including the Pilot," adds a thrilling layer to our travel tale, exploring the unexpected situations that can arise during flights.