The Future of Climate Change Solutions

Humans, along with their pets, collectively emit approximately 120 billion tons of carbon dioxide each year. To put this in perspective, a gas-powered vehicle that covers 13,000 miles annually only generates about 2 tons of CO2.

This leads us to ponder: Should we classify the 8 billion human beings as contributors to natural or artificial climate change? Is the carbon dioxide they produce beneficial or detrimental? Do we need to eliminate humans and their pets to protect the environment?

A unique perspective comes from Daniel Vertigola, a professor of Expertology. "I’ve created a surgical method to make individuals climate-neutral. A specialized filter implanted in the windpipe captures harmful carbon monoxide before it can enter the atmosphere."

His approach involves removing one lung and substituting it with a small plastic bag designed to store CO2, which would need to be replaced monthly. The accumulated carbon monoxide bags would then be sent into space aboard rockets operated by Jeff Bezos.

"This might sound like bad news for athletes," Vertigola acknowledges. "But it’s actually advantageous!" He explains that athletes exhale significantly more CO2 than sedentary individuals. Given the limited capacity of Bezos' rockets, it's crucial to consider the emissions produced by each launch.

With this in mind, it would be wise for us to start moderating our breathing. "Exactly! If we take shallower breaths, the bag won’t need to be swapped out as frequently. Smokers are already experts at this—after all, they can’t take deep breaths. I propose we print positive messages on cigarette packs to encourage youngsters to start smoking early. Something like: 'Smoking helps the planet! Begin today!'"

If you’re ready to advocate for a greener future through shallow breathing, feel free to share your thoughts in the comments (or your best tips for anti-lung workouts). Don’t forget to give us a round of applause if you believe that swapping lungs for plastic bags could be the next big step in sustainability! And stay tuned for more outlandish solutions to real-world issues. Together, we might just breathe our way to a more sustainable future!

"Thank you for this eye-opening and exhilarating discussion, Professor Vertigola."

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