Chapter 1: The Weight of Choices

The saying goes, "A bullet always tells the truth." If it's not your time to go, it simply isn't. While we may not have control over how we meet our end, we certainly hold the reins on how we choose to live. Is it preferable to stand tall or to bow down? For much of my life, I allowed anger to dictate my actions, often choosing confrontation as my default mode of operation.

I found myself in conflict with various authorities—be it the police, school officials, or even family—yet my fiercest battles were often waged against myself. My penchant for self-sabotage and chaos seemed limitless, and I even discovered ways to profit from my reckless behavior. Eventually, however, I had to face the consequences of my actions, and the price was steep—it cost me everything, yet not a single penny.

For those keeping track, I've faced gunfire, endured two stabbings, been hit by vehicles, and even had someone attempt to take my life while I slept. Despite these harrowing experiences, I wasn’t afraid—not out of bravery, but rather from a complete lack of concern for my own survival. My mindset back then was simple: I believed I wouldn’t live long enough to worry.

What truly terrifies me now is the challenge of addressing the problems I created, often out of necessity or habit. Living as if I would perish at 25 has left me with a considerable mess to clean up. I excelled at creating chaos and alienating anyone willing to help.

It's no surprise that I struggle to connect with others. Years filled with turmoil have left me with an acute sense of paranoia and the weight of PTSD. Now, as a father, I’ve distanced myself from that lifestyle, yet the remnants of my past linger, and I find myself in a peculiar position—too ordinary for the wild souls of my past, yet too troubled for those who seek a more conventional life.

This existence can feel isolating. Whenever I attempt to connect with others, I often end up overwhelming or frightening them, leading to a withdrawal from social interactions. It's less painful than facing the judgment of those I care about when they label me as a mess. What truly scares me is striving for a normal life and failing. The fear of disappointing the ones I love weighs heavily on me, prompting me to keep my distance.

Currently, my focus is on waking up each day determined to be better than I was the day before. I aspire to teach my daughter the lessons I’ve learned from my past mistakes and the life I once lived.

While striving for improvement on most days is sufficient, I often ponder whether any amount of time can truly heal the damage wrought by a life of excess and upheaval. Living under the assumption that I would die young may have made sense, but my bullet never came.

Chapter 2: Reflections on Redemption

In the film Man on Fire, the theme of truth in violence resonates deeply. The protagonist’s journey reflects the idea that every action carries weight and consequence. The film serves as a poignant reminder of the choices we make and their lasting impact on our lives.

As I navigate my path forward, I am committed to breaking the cycle of chaos and instilling a sense of purpose in my daughter. Each day is an opportunity to rewrite my narrative, moving from shadows toward the light of self-improvement and connection.